I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.