Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.