Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.