I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.