I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'