I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.