Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then sheโs mine.
Anthony JeselnikI always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
Anthony JeselnikYou don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony JeselnikMy mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
Anthony Jeselnik