I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.