I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.