On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.