I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.