Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.