Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.