Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.