Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.