She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?