If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.