I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

The world is full of horrible things.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.