I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.