I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.