Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.