I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.