I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'