I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?