I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.