My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.