My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

I tell very mean jokes.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.