My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.