My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.