My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.