My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.