I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.