I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.