I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Anthony JeselnikI'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
Anthony JeselnikAn offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik