I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.