I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.