I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.