I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.