I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.