I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.