I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.