I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.