I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.