I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.