Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.