Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?