Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.