I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.