I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.