I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.