I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.