My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.