My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?
Anthony JeselnikI like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
Anthony JeselnikI wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony JeselnikMy mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik