Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.