Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.