Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.