Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.