Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.