Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.