In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.