In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.