I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.