I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.