What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.