What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.