What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.