What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.