I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.