I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.