I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.