I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The best things in life aren't things.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.