I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.