The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.