I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.