Artie Lange Quotes

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

It's good to be alive.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.