Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.