I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.
I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.
The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?