The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'

Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

Really good comedians, you know, when they go on stage, they don't really care what the audience - they're fearless, you know? They're so comfortable that they don't care. They don't have that neediness where they need the laughs.

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.

Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.