So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really enjoy.