The problem is there's a new group. I'm talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I'm talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they're like, we don't have to pretend like we're not racist anymore. We don't have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. If you're one of these people, please go back to pretending.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I've never done online dating.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.