I have always found women difficult. I don't really understand them. To begin with, few women tell the truth.

The reason why Englishmen are the best husbands in the world is because they want to be faithful. A Frenchman or an Italian will wake up in the morning and wonder what girl he will meet. An Englishman wakes up and wonders what the cricket score is.

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

When you get past fifty, you have to decide whether to keep your face or your figure. I kept my face.

Love is next to Godliness with certain safeguards.

The great majority of people in England and America are modest, decent and pure-minded and the amount of virgins in the world today is stupendous.

A woman should say: 'Have I made him happy? Is he satisfied? Does he love me more than he loved me before? Is he likely to go to bed with another woman?' If he does, then it's the wife's fault because she is not trying to make him happy.