I'm just the least funny person in a room full of funny people, which is basically every single day of work for me.

If I don't buy it, I can't sell it.

I get up in the morning and I put on makeup and then I say somebody else's words in someone else's clothes, and then I go home and watch TV, have a glass of whisky and go to bed. And I'm overcompensated for that. So it's insane to not use that pedestal to try and at least help someone or something that's in need.

If you're starting to lose your faith in the general intelligence of the American populous, there's nothing like them mistaking pop culture for Van Gogh as a sign that people still read their history books and care about art.

Do you know anyone who has a lease on life? It isn’t a question of if; it’s a question of when.

Don't sell life insurance. Sell what life insurance can do.

I think I'm the funniest guy in a room full of unfunny people.