People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.