People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Contentment is knowing you're right