Bill Bailey Quotes

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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Bill Bailey

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.

Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Bill Bailey

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Bill Bailey

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Bill Bailey

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Bill Bailey

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Bill Bailey

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Bill Bailey

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Bill Bailey

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Bill Bailey

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Bill Bailey

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Bill Bailey

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Bill Bailey

Contentment is knowing you're right

Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Bill Bailey

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

Bill Bailey

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Bill Bailey

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Bill Bailey

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Bill Bailey

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Bill Bailey

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Bill Bailey

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Bill Bailey

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Bill Bailey

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

Bill Bailey

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.

Bill Bailey
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