How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.