What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'