What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Work hard, save and live within your means.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!