Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Work hard, save and live within your means.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.