Thank God for Darwin, eh?

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.