There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"